"A mother is born” -Short Passage from Energetics of Parenting : A New Way of Being in Motherhood
A Mother is Born
As a part of our identity dies during childbirth, we’re expected to meet our new “mother self” on the other side with confidence and grace. For many, this follows a traumatic, or less-than-okay birth experience.
We spend much of our day alone with a newborn whose needs are largely unknown—our own needs are unknown as well. We face an ever-changing mental and physical landscape. Several weeks in, we feel like we have the hang of things. We’ve somehow balanced the chaos only to face returning to work—yet again, change.
If there is anything constant about our “mother self,” it is the continual state of change. And that’s how it’s supposed to be.
As we move from maiden to mother, we drop even further into our feminine essence (the energy that allows for flow, change, and chaos). It’s this energy that directs the seasons, life cycles, and creation of all that is.
We’re at odds with our inherent, feminine nature and the harsh, masculine nature of society. I believe it is from this dissonance that these mental disorders plaguing new mothers come from. It is from the tug-of-war that is happening on an energetic level. And it’s not just within mothers, but our society at large.
In no way do I mean to demonize or belittle one energy over the other. Instead, it is a balance of these two energies that is required. To understand how to create this balance, we need to understand each energy—separately.
With every new beginning, an ending. With every birth, a loss.
After we birth our children we ourselves are reborn into a new reality. Before you close the book on me, it literally is a new reality we are birthed into. Prior to birth we are solitary, or coupled, but it’s really just ourselves we are concerned with– once a baby is born our entire world shifts. The motherself is born.
Similar to the transition of adolescence we experience the biggest shift of our lives, one of matrescence. This shift is the greatest fluctuation in hormone, mental, emotional and physical being. We experience this all while tending to a new human. It’s an incredible, beautiful and stressful journey. Which is why we need to come back to community.
Matrescence is most successful when fully supported. For many of us living in the United States, with our individualistic mindset, this will be a challenge. Here’s the real deal, is that it goes beyond our immediate family and the new grandparents. Most often the support new parents claim to have is with their own parents. Which is great, better than none. But it’s not enough. We need a community of women coming together to support the new mother in life. Someone to cook and to clean. Another to support us mentally and emotionally. Even if it’s just someone to dump our experience and complaints into, to remind us we’re not alone. And also someone to tend to the physical and energetic shifts. That could be massage, closing of the bones, and bengkung binding. While also focusing on the energetic shifts that are happening within the subtle body of the new mother. Now with this comprehensive list, I’m willing to bet your mother, and maybe mother in law, are focused on the meals and cleaning— perhaps a touch of the emotional, if you’re lucky. By and large we are failing our new mothers.
If you’re blessed with a supportive partner you may be thinking I’m leaving them out. It’s not an oversight but quite intentional. I have a very supportive and doting partner. He’s never made me feel annoying or bothersome on the countless times I’ve asked for snacks of water while nursing. I’m not saying good partners aren’t out there but I know when to count my blessings. Here’s why I’ve left them out of the equation. They have enough on their plates with the new baby. We’re so focused on the mother and their changes— rightfully so. That we forget about the father. They may not be experiencing as dramatic of a shift as mothers are but their reality is changing also. They need to be held and supported alongside their partnered parents.
One thing I do recommend partners do discuss before the baby isn’t finances or how to split up time off work, but around tasks of the home. Use the example I have included to help begin the conversation, changing the tasks to whatever makes sense for your household. What we’re doing with this is uncovering beliefs we hold around parenting and distribution of labor. The first column asks for how our parents divided responsibility in our childhood. This is the most telling piece of information on the worksheet as it touches upon our personal view of the responsibilities for each parent. Each of you fill out this column with which parent handled each household task when you grew up.
The next column covers how you currently divide labor. In this column you’ll want to make note of who typically does the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming etc. After completing this column, compare the first two with each other. Do you currently follow patterns similar to that of the households you grew up in? Where do you differ? Once parenthood is in the mix it’s an extra row, column, chart all its own. But for now let’s use this one to set some expectations.
Which brings us to the last column. For this column I recommend thinking of just early postpartum. You can, and should reevaluate a couple weeks in. But we’ll start with those first couple weeks. Now mama will be sore, tired and nursing every two hours (at least). Even formula fed babies will eat every two hours. With that said, someone (most likely dad) will need to take on a little extra. My biggest advice for a new dad. Do tasks without being asked. The laundry, dishes, cooking. Always ask a nursing mother if she needs water, a snack, or a phone charger. Remember that section on resentment, expect some as her world just drastically shifted and yours, not so much. Because of this, take on a few extras from your household list.
If that isn’t possible, where can you outsource? A postpartum doula can be a great resource as they are trained in postpartum care but also aren’t afraid to tackle the dishes, make a fresh meal or fold laundry. All while being mindful of the sensitive period postpartum is.
If not a doula, then look to family and friends. Who do you feel comfortable with? Because your breasts are about to be out more often than a spring break special and you don’t want to have that concern on your mind. Choose someone who wouldn’t increase this stress but come only looking to serve.
Last suggestion here, create a meal train. They have a nifty website now that makes it really simple. But a meal is the love language of postpartum. I cannot stress how much love and support one can feel through one meal. So if family and friend support is hard to come by, get a meal train started, you’ll be surprised by who shows up.